Run to Me
by Caskettlove77
Summary: His heart is broken and he feels so rejected, but he couldn't have just imagined everything they had, the connection they have. "Talk to me. Kate, I was just, just trying to keep you safe." -She runs, it's what she does. What happens if she runs this time? What about everything they have been working towards? What about partners? What about being more?
1. Chapter 1

Her feet hit the pavement. Shoes pound forcefully into the ground with each stride of her legs. The only sound she hears is the pulse of blood rushing through her ears, drowning out the noise of the city as she pushes herself faster, harder, more. Her earphones are long abandoned, swinging loosely around her neck. She found so pleasure, no solace in the music. She doesn't deserve it.

She wanted to feel her body burn, she needed to feel alive. This was something she could do right, something she knew how to do. Sweat drips down her brow, between her breasts, soaking her back but it doesn't matter. It only fuels her on.

Lightning strikes up ahead, the rain is coming. Black clouds swirl in front of her, the lick of moisture is in the air. Normally she likes the rain, finds it refreshing but this is different, darkness is coming. Though she feels as if she's already been living in it; as though the darkness had already consumed her.

She doesn't stop; she doesn't care. Why should she? She doesn't know if she's running to or from something. But It doesn't matter now, none of it matters. Not since he betrayed her. Not since she was a coward and left. So she runs. She just runs.

* * *

The scotch burns as it makes its descent down his throat. It's the good kind and it has the desired effect. He hasn't opened the bottle since... actually the last time, it was about her too. He pours another, because, why not? He has nowhere to be, no responsibility, no case to solve, no murderer to catch. Alexis has left for the summer. Her college program just started yesterday. He doesn't care where is mother is right now frankly. It's his house, he'll do whatever the hell he wants to in it.

One more turns into three more and he stops. Enough, it's enough now to dull the pain in his heart, the throbbing of his hand. First time he'd ever punched a wall, and days later it still pulses with pain, but it's his heart that hurts the worst. The ache in his chest that drops down into the empty pit of his stomach. It's been three days.

He checks his phone again, presses his thumb to the sensor to wake it and double check he didn't miss any texts, calls...emails. He's called so many times and she won't answer. There's nothing. He knew there would be nothing. His mother always said he was too quick to forgive, too optimistic, a dreamer. He use to think those were good qualities. He's changed his mind. They only serve to cause him more pain.

It's been so long, but it's only been three days.

* * *

She only stops when she can't breathe. She bends over, doubled at her waist trying in vain to suck in the smallest amount of air. She's in good shape, physical therapy has been done for a while now. She can push herself but this is, no, this is different. This is a panic attack. Recognizing it makes it worse at first. No, not again, not again. She hopes no one can see her.

Breathe, breathe she tells herself just like Burke taught her. You're not in danger Kate, you are fine. Breathe, breathe. Over and over until she's calmed down. It hasn't happened in so long. She stops running and starts to walk home, drenched from the storm. Enough now.

* * *

He stares out the window of his office, sitting agitated on the leather couch. He's watching his own desperate reflection in the glass, marred by the streaks of rain from the storm. He looks horrible. He checks his phone again.

This time he pulls up her name. Beckett, not Kate. Castle stares at the profile picture he set of her. He took it outside one day when she wasn't looking, but the lighting from the sun had been just right. She is so gorgeous, breathtakingly beautiful. That's only the smallest part of why he loves her.

But he can't anymore. He needs to stop. How does he stop loving the woman he thought he could be with forever?

His thumb hovers there for a moment, deciding. He deletes her contact.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Three days earlier…**_

The evening was going well. After solving their fairy-tale case she'd gone back to the loft to see Martha's encore presentation of her one woman show. It was sweet and delightfully untrue but she had fun with his family. She'd held his hand, a show of solidarity that she knew how he felt having his life re-written, but it felt like more. It felt like a step in the right direction. She held it longer than she planned too and only let go when they needed to clap at the end of the performance.

He'd invited her to another glass of wine and a movie in his office. Kate had thought about declining but couldn't resist the warmth of his blue eyes, deep and rich in the soft glow from the fireplace. Her heart feeling open and safe. She said yes and he tried his best to hide the true excitement at the turn of the evening.

He was getting wine and snacks in the kitchen and she was waiting for him by his desk when one move changed her life forever. She turned the the novel he had laying out on the flat surface to read the title and the large monitor in the room blinked to life. She saw her own face staring back at her. At first she thought it was the outline for his next Nikki Heat book, thought she shouldn't look as she doesn't like the spoilers. However upon further investigation she realized this was about her, her mother and the case that haunts her and never ends.

Kate stood still, shocked at what she was seeing and the meaning of it when he walked through the door.

"So I've got the wine, popcor- oh," he stops mid-sentence as he sees her, eyes focused on the once black screen he'd forgotten held secrets she isn't supposed to know about.

"Kate, please, let me explain," he pleads setting the food items down on his desk. The mood had quickly taken a turn from joyful and hopeful to being filled with dread that began to course through his body.

"Explain what you've been doing behind my back? What is this Castle?"

"Listen," he pauses to breathe, to think, "I know how her case has affected you, we've talked about how you said it's dragged you under in the past and...and I was just trying to finish it for you."

Her eyes close and she rubs at her forehead contemplating his words, his actions. She's upset he would do this without her, but it is just like something Castle would do, continue to dig. It's dangerous for him to work this alone though. She knows how much he cares about her but something just doesn't make sense.

"I don't understand how you know these things…" her gaze lifting to his once more. She walks closer to the screen pointing to the corner, " _the file keeping her safe..._ what, what does that mean?" Kate hopes and prays that he doesn't break her heart right now. That she doesn't find out that he's been hiding a piece of crucial evidence from her.

No, no, no, this is not supposed to be happening. This is not how the night should have gone. Maybe he was a naive to think his plan would work, but the truth always seems to find its way out.

"Kate," he says her name and her heart drops, her pulse pounds in her head and she's already anticipating the worst.

"After you were shot, a package arrived to a very powerful man, a friend of Montgomery's and its contents were supposed to guarantee your safety. It arrived too late, but a deal was made only, for it to work you… you had to stop investigating the case."

His voice is soft as he tells her, his brow knitted in worry as he awaits her reaction.

"You, Castle, you are a part of this?" she whispers and no, she looks like he's destroyed her.

"No, I just, Kate, I just wanted to keep you safe. To encourage you to _stop_ investigating." He feels his words are useless, but he loves her. He did it because he loves her.

"I can't believe you did this," her voice starts to raise. "I can't believe you betrayed me. All this time, you kept it from me. This is a lead Castle! A lead that could finally bring justice for my mother and you kept it from me! I can't believe you. What were you thinking?"

She's moved to the bookcases now and he knows, she'll run, she'll flee like she always does and he can't let her go like this.

"What was I...I was thinking that I can't watch you die again!" he can't control his emotions any more as something inside him breaks. She may be angry, but he did it for a good reason, for her own good.

"Do you know what it was like to watch you _die_? To see you bleed out on the grass, to hold your lifeless body in my arms and pray that it was not the last time that I would see you. Or dammit, the last time that I would _hold_ you?"

He only has control of his voice because his mother and daughter are upstairs but he was to yell it to the rooftops how much she means to him, how she needs to understand.

Her pulse is racing and she can't breathe, she can't do this, not like this. It's not supposed to be like this.

"Kate, I-" he tries to explain, reaches forward to touch her arm, to connect with her. She just looks down at his hand on her arm, the hand that was a comfort a short time ago has turned cold with deception and she shakes him off.

"That doesn't mean you get to make decisions for my life! I get that it was hard for you," what is she saying... "But this case is the most important thing in my life and you lied to me. You _manipulated_ me! I thought you were on my side, I thought you were my partner."

"Of course I am, why do you think I did it?! And, where was my partner when I needed her? When you abandoned me all summer, left me to worry about you, your recovery, your safety? You know what, I have needs too Beckett!" His voice lowers after that, "I know it's important to you, but you've made this more important than your life, more important than living. Is that really what your mother would have wanted?"

She stares straight at him when she says it, "How dare you. You have no idea what she would have wanted, no idea who she was. No idea what I want." Even as she says the words she knows it a cover, she knows he's right.

"Of course I have no idea what you want. You never let me in, you never talk to me about anything! Just cryptically drop hints that leave me thinking we are going somewhere!"

"Cryptically?! What about you, you only say how you feel when I'm basically unconscious!" She freezes when she says it, can't believe it came out of her mouth but then again nothing seems to be going the way she thought tonight.

"You heard me? You heard me...all this time and you have been lying to me?" She can see the hurt overcome his face, and this is not what was supposed to happen. "So, what is this just a game to you Beckett?"

"No, Rick. It's not what you think. But I can't, I can't do this now. Not with how you've betrayed me. I have to leave," she's turned her back to him, is walking to the living room to put her shoes on. She won't let him see her cry, not now.

"So you're just going to run away like you always do? Hide in her case again? Get yourself killed?"

His heart is broken and he feels so rejected, but he couldn't have just imagined everything they had, the connection they have. "Talk to me. Kate, I was just, just trying to keep you safe," he says in frustration, desperation as he follows her to the other room.

She's at the door, halfway out when she says, "You know what, you don't need to anymore. I can take care of myself, my life. You don't need to worry anymore." She's resolved in her decision, he can see it written all over her face when she says, "This is done Castle. We are done. How can I trust you again? There is no reason to have a partner you can't trust."

The hope he was clinging to evaporates with her words. He can't do this anymore, he's just so tired of fighting her walls, trying to scale them and break through them. Who cares if _the heart wants what the heart wants_. We don't always get what we want.

"With all the lies we apparently tell each other, maybe you're right. Maybe we are better not being in eachothers lives. You won't have to worry about me bothering you anymore."

She looks away as her heart drops because she knows what she's said, but he's always been the one with hope for them. She has no more words, she's not strong enough and at that, she walks out, letting the door slam behind her.

It's only when the elevator doors close that the tears break free and stream down her face. She's paralyzed in place, clutching her sides as her emotions finally overcome her. She's never felt more alone, but she's so disappointed in herself too. Why can't she get out of her own damn way and let herself be happy.

He slams his fist into the wall. His hand following the close of the door. Immediate pain spreads throughout his fingers and up his arm, but it is nothing compared to the feeling of his heart shattering into a million pieces. His dreams for them, for a life together lying broken on floor. He's not sure they will be able to be put back together this time.


	3. Chapter 3

She starts stripping her clothes off as soon as she closes the door. A pool of dirty water forming on the rug where she drops her shoes. She's naked by the time she reaches the bathroom, turns the shower to scalding hot and steps in with her eyes closed and tries not to cry again. Kate longs to go back in time. If she only would have told him how she felt, if he would have come to her and told her what was going on with the case right way everything would be different. Maybe she would be happy right now instead of miserable.

After she left Castle's that night, she'd gone to the precinct. She tried in vain to run down the name and number of the man who had contacted Castle. Kate had committed to memory everything she's seen on the screen. She tried every database and had even gone down to evidence and pulled all the information on Montgomery's friends and acquaintances. She'd looked through everything, staying up late into the night searching but had found nothing. She lost her partner and didn't get any closer to finding her mother's killer.

She climbs out of the shower and twists the towel around her body, securing the end between her breasts. Kate doesn't even recognize the woman she sees looking back at her through the fog of her mirror. The text sound bings on her phone and she's pulled away from her inner turmoil for a moment. It's Lanie.

 _Girl, if you don't answer me in the next two minutes I'm coming over and I will use my key._

She knows her friend has been worried about her. Kate hasn't responded to any of her phone calls or texts. She hasn't had an active murder case and hasn't been at the morgue but she knows Espo's told her that something is going on with her and Castle. She knows her friend will give her the third degree and she's not ready to talk yet.

 _ **Lanie, I'm fine. Sorry I didn't call you back.**_

 _Girl, its been days. I know somethings up. Let me come over. I have wine..._

 _ **I don't want to talk about it right now.**_

 _Ok then, come out with me. I won't take no for an answer. You don't want to talk, then we are going dancing._

 _ **Lanie….**_

 _I'll be there in twenty minutes._

It's no use trying to fight her friend on this so she admits defeat and gets ready to go out. Maybe it will be a good distraction. Maybe she'll get drunk enough to forget about losing her best friend, forget about being betrayed.

The club is wild tonight. The storm forcing people away from dining on the rooftop terraces and patios that line the streets and pushing them indoors. But there is a certain electricity that charges the air and it does something to her. She just wants to forget, she just wants to feel something besides the stabbing hurt she feels in her heart.

She's dressed in a tight slinky emerald green dress about an inch shorter than what she would normally wear. She'd pulled it from the very back of her closet, but somehow it made her confident, powerful, seductive.

"Here's your drink," Lanie says finding her way back from the bar with passing a glass to to Kate. "Man I haven't seen this place so full before. We are definitely going to have fun tonight," she says glancing to the roaring crowd of people dancing all around them.

Kate gives her a grim smile as she takes a sip.

"Ok, you gonna tell me what is up with you and writer boy or what?"

"Lanie, I don't want to talk about it."

Lanie glares back at her friend. She really could have been a cop herself, she's quite intimidating.

So she gives her a bit more. "He's gone. We're done. I just want to move on. Just, distract me ok?"

She glares at her again but knows Kate won't talk until she's ready. They've been friends long enough for her to know. "Fine, you want a distraction? Bar. 10 o'clock. Umm, he is fine and looking right at you."

"Not exactly the distraction I was looking for..."

"Why not? Geez just enjoy yourself for once Kate. Oh, he's coming over," she says and ducks away before Kate can call her back to rescue her.

A tall man with dark hair and brown eyes is soon approaching her and though it's hard to admit she finds him attractive.

He shoots her a smile as he comes closer, "Hi, I noticed you weren't dancing. I've been abandoned by my friend over there. Care keep me company on the dance floor?"

She ponders him for a moment before setting her drink down and taking the hand he offers to her. He seems decent enough and why not, it's not like she has any reason to say no.

"I'm Jared by the way."

"Kate," she responds as they begin to move together to the thumping music. He's not too forward, seems decent enough, doesn't even try to touch her.

Soon another song begins and they continue dancing. "So, what do you do for a living?" he asks leaning closer to her ear so she can hear him.

She doesn't want to talk about work tonight, it only makes her think of _him_. So she keeps it simple. "I'm a cop."

"Wow," he says and he looks surprised but not put off like many men are. "Do you have your gun with you tonight?" he says a slight perusal of her body.

"Off duty, and drinking, so no."

"Um, I suppose it would be hard to hide considering that amazing dress you are wearing."

They only talk a little after that. She finds out he's a banker, lives close by but doesn't go out dancing often. He's attentive and gets her another drink, something strong and it burns her throat but makes her body buzz. She gets closer to him now, wraps her arms around his neck and he pulls her into his body, his hands firm on her waist. She has to admit that it feels good, it feels nice to be close to a man again and she tries to turn her brain off, that nagging voice in her head that tells her to stop.

"So what's going on with her?" Esposito says looking in Kate's direction from across the room. He has since joined them at the club, he and Lanie are currently in an "on" again phase.

"She still won't tell me much. You haven't gotten anything out of her?" Lanie asks back loud enough to be heard over the noise of the club.

"She's been on edge, snapping at us the last few days. Castle hasn't been around, told Ryan he was going to be busy for awhile and we might not see him."

"I wish those two would just realize they want to be together and do something about it."

"Both too stubborn apparently."

She's a little tipsy now, and she lets Jared keep her up and leans her weight into his body. Soon enough though, he's sliding a hand down from her waist to her ass. She doesn't react right away, her senses slowed and she feels so loose. But when he leans his head down and kisses her neck she stops him.

She pushes away from him, "Jared, I'm sorry, I'm not looking for this right now…" and she steps away as he reaches for her arm. "Kate, hey, come on, we're having fun. Just dance with me a little longer," he says without releasing her.

"No, I-I need to leave-"

"Is there a problem here?" A stern voice interrupts from behind her. A voice she recognizes, Espo.

Jared releases her, shaking his head no. "No, no problem." He takes the hint and walks away.

"What are you doing here Espo?"

"What am I doing here? I came to be with Lanie."

"You're drunk Kate, what are you doing?"

"Leave me alone, I'm fine."

"Don't look fine.."

"Dammit, just leave me alone! Why won't everyone just leave me alone!" she says walking away from him and heading towards the door.

He follows though, a few steps behind. She's one of his partners, she's like a sister to him.

"Kate," he says once the cool evening breeze hits her body outside.

She turns slowly to face him, "I can take care of myself Espo."

"I know you can."

Apology, regret reflect over her face. She really doesn't let anybody in does she?

"Listen, I'm sorry Espo. You didn't deserve that. Thanks for back there."

"Hey, I'm your friend. You going to be ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'll take a cab home. Tell Lanie, bye for me?"

"Yeah, I'll tell her," he says as she turns to walk away. "Kate," he calls again, "you know he cares about you right? Castle's a good guy."

That actually means a lot coming from him and it makes her heart hurt just a little bit more. Espo has always been quite protective of her, brotherly like.

"I know, but he did _something_ , and I, I just don't know that I can trust him."

"You know how many times he has risked his life for you, right? How many times I've been grateful he was there to back you up? You saying you can't trust him, or you can't trust yourself? Don't throw a good thing away because you're scared Kate," he doesn't let her respond. Just gives her a squeeze to the arm and walks back into the club.

She flops on her bed as soon as she gets home, still in her dress. She makes a call even though the office isn't open and leaves a message requesting an appointment with Dr. Burke as soon as possible.

She considers sleeping as she has to be at the precinct in the morning, but pulls the evidence box from under her bed instead and opens it. Who needs sleep anyway?


	4. Chapter 4

It's two in the morning when he decides that he needs to leave, get out of the loft, the city. It's too empty without Alexis and he just keeps thinking about that fact that if he stays here he'll want to go to the precinct and everything there just reminds him of her. He needs something different and he needs it now. He pulls out his phone and books a flight for later that morning. He'll get a change of scenery, go somewhere he can lick his wounds in private.

He decides to shower before bed, get the smell of alcohol off of him before he sleeps. He's tired, physically and emotionally. The alcohol has heated him up, his body on edge and on fire, in more ways than one. He tells himself that it will be the last time. This will be the last time he thinks of her as he leans against the shower wall, the hot spray massaging his body as he runs his hand down his stomach, lower still, and imagines that it is her here with him, that it's her hand and her body touching him as he seeks release.

Castle has only slept a few hours when his alarm sounds, startling him and forcing him to get out of bed and pack. He has a plane to catch.

He texts his mother and lets her know where he will be. She didn't come home last night, must still be out with a new suitor. He calls Alexis though, tries his hardest to be upbeat and cheery as he asks about her summer program and tells him about his trip. She must sense something is wrong, when he is too quiet.

"Dad, what's wrong?"

"No, nothing pumpkin, I just didn't sleep well last night."

"Dad…"

"Really honey I'm fine. I am just so excited for this trip I'm taking. It's going to be gorgeous and inspirational and I'll get a ton of writing done."

"Ok, well, at least text me when you get there?" She asks always seeming to step into the role a parent would.

"You got it. And I want regular updates from you too. And keep out of the boy dorms please!"

"Daaad! I'm practically a grown woman now."

"That's what worries me."

"Fine, if it will make you feel better, I will. Love you daddy," she says quietly.

"Love you, too pumpkin."

It's about four hours later that he arrives in Colorado and rents a car from the airport with an undetermined return date. He'd found a four season cabin nestled in the woods right by the mountains. The first breath of fresh air leaving the airport fills his lungs and is actually refreshing. He really hopes this trip will help, that he can gain a new perspective on things; move on.

Castle's in a local grocery store stocking up on food and basic supplies, so far ice cream and chocolate chips, when his phone rings. His mother finally getting back to him from this morning.

"Richard darling, finally you answer."

"Finally? Mother you're the one who's been MIA all day," he says as he grabs a box of cinnamon toast crunch and throws it in his cart.

"Anyway, you have decided on a last minute trip to Colorado? Any particular reason for this outing to a small, mountain town away from most of civilization?"

"Just wanted a change of scenery with Alexis gone and all."

He knows she sees right through him, but that doesn't deter him from stretching the truth any way.

"And what about your cases? What about _Katherine_?" She pries knowing full well that something is amiss between them.

"She's was fine without me before and I'm sure she's fine without me now."

"Richard, what happened with you two?" Now she sounds genuinely concerned.

He contemplates not telling her, but through all their ups and downs his mother has been there for him and she has been known to occasionally give good advice.

A deep sigh escapes him as he begins to explain. "She found out that I was trying to keep her off her mother's case. Accused me of betraying her. But, she also let it slip that she heard me all those months ago when she was shot. I just, I feel like such a fool; she knew the entire time and she said nothing. She doesn't feel the same and she just kept lying to me."

He feels so defeated when he finishes and he realizes that is cart is full of crap that will only make him feel worse in the long run, but he doesn't even care.

"Darling, I'm so sorry. But, do you think it is possible that there is some other explanation? I mean, I've seen the way that woman looks at you. It's hard to believe there is nothing there."

"I don't know mother. She said we were done, that she would never be able to trust me." He says, suddenly feeling exposed and self conscious having this conversation in a grocery store, though there aren't many people around. "Mother can we talk another time. I just want to be alone for awhile."

"Of course, just take care of yourself, please. Let me know you are alright every now and then," she says sincerely.

"I will. And, thank you mother."

"No problem kiddo."

He checks out, and can tell that he's being judged by the teenage boy at the cash register as he scans the purchases. He loads up and gets back into the car as fast as he can. He just wants to get there now.

The road is difficult to handle, he doesn't do much driving in the city and here is going up and down mountain slopes and around sharp curves on two lane roads. Another two hours pass and he's finally there.

He takes the rocky dirt road that leads up to the rental cabin. The scenery is breathtaking, mountain range in the background, the sun setting behind it glowing in shades of amber, orange and rich red. Prairie grasses and trees surround the log cabin and for the first time in several days he can take a deep breath and feel his shoulders start to relax.

Castle takes his luggage and all the food he bought inside and starts to unpack and settle in. The place is quite large, two bedrooms, two baths. A nice open kitchen with modern appliances and a nice tv, with cable. The location remote, but not so isolated that he will go crazy.

He opens the french doors at the back of the house and checks out the hot tub surrounded by meticulous landscaping. Yeah, he could get used to this.

Back in the kitchen he thinks about dinner, passes by his phone on the counter where he notices a missed call from Esposito. Strange, normally it's Ryan who calls. He decides to ignore it for now and go on with his plans to drown his sorrows in pasta and a sci-fi movie marathon.

He startles awake in the strange bed in the middle of the night, disoriented and agitated by his dream. Castle looks around and slowly assimilates where he is. But his heart is racing and his shirt is drenched in sweat from the disturbing, heart wrenching images of his dream.

Kate, alone, bleeding to death in an alley just like her mother.


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N:Thanks to all who are following along and who have left reviews! Hope you enjoy..._

* * *

She's having one of _those_ days at the precinct, days that are becoming increasingly more common. Nothing's going right, every lead is another dead end and everyone around her is driving her nuts. She's sleep deprived; still can't seem to overcome the insomnia that plagues her night after night as she tries to get Castle out of her mind. She hasn't been able to shake the voice in the back of her mind telling her that she'd made a mistake. A voice that sounds so much like her top it off she'd spilled disgusting precinct coffee all over her blouse in the break room this morning and was stuck wearing a wrinkled NYPD t-shirt from her locker. She felt like a disaster.

"Beckett. Hey Beckett," Ryan says with a touch to her arm, shaking her from her thoughts as she stands with him and Espo behind the interrogation glass eyeing down their suspect.

"It's not him," Ryan says.

"What do you _mean_ it's _not_ him?"

"Prints are not a match-"

"But he was there in that alley!" Dammit, will nothing go her way today?

"Kate," Esposito interrupts, "they are a match to another case. A shooting. Your shooting."

She walks out into the hall with her team following close behind each silently addressing the other with worried looks as she picks apart the fingerprint results. For a moment it's hard to tell if she's about to cry or scream at them over the news. She studies the file a moment longer before peering back up at them, her face, her voice low and cold as steel.

"A year without a lead and now this? Find him, I don't care how, we need to find him. Just stay under the radar. We don't know how far this goes yet. I don't need to deal with someone else messing this up. Oh, and do not tell Gates."

* * *

Castle had gone back and forth debating with himself about listening to Esposito's message. It's things like this that keep drawing his mind back to her and the whole reason he came here was to escape her, to move on. He doesn't last long before eventually his curiosity wins out and he presses play.

" _Hey bro, haven't seen you in a while. I'm really missing those Knicks floors seats lately. Anyway, just wanted to let you know Beckett's not doing so well. I don't know what happened with you two but there was a break in her shooting and she really only listens to you. Maybe you could give her a call. Well, take care of yourself man."_

He regrets listening as soon as the message ends. Maybe he'll give the boys a call in a few days, they are his friends after all but right now they are too wrapped up in his mind with Beckett. He cares about her, he _loves_ her but he can't do anything about her situation now. She made it clear that they were done and this time he's going to stick with his plan to stay away, no matter how his heart aches or how his imagination paints scenarios of Beckett in danger. It's time to let her go. It sounds a lot easier than it is. The old saying ringing true more than ever before in his life. Kate was never really his, but this time away from her, this break up in a sense is harder even then his two divorces.

He tries to write. After exhausting his regular repertoire of go-to distractions including movie marathons, hours of Guitar Hero, darts, and so on, he sat at his laptop with a fresh word document. Now the cursor taunts him, blinking away non-stop.

He was going to write about a new character. Pepper, a stripper by day, super intelligent special forces assassin by night. All he manages to write is shallow, basic crap and so it's far from where he has come. He runs his hands over his face in frustration, noticing the long course stubble on his jaw, and then he deletes it, closes the laptop and puts a frozen pizza in the oven.

* * *

It's been three weeks. Three weeks without him in her life and she had been in a downward spiral, burying herself in her regular caseload as well as her mother's case every waking moment of the day and sometimes all night. They have yet to find a legitimate lead from the fingerprint match a few weeks ago and she has found herself increasingly on edge. She's had two more panic attacks and her clothes are hanging a little more loosely on her thin frame than they used to.

Her dad had stopped by her apartment one night after he hadn't heard from her and immediately knew that something wrong. She'd seen him peruse her counter top and notice the cluster of empty bottles of various types of alcohol. She was so disappointed in herself and seeing his face that night helped her realize that enough was enough. It was time to meet with Dr. Burke. She had called him several weeks prior but hadn't been able to make herself go. She felt like a failure and she was too raw and ashamed to talk. Especially after all the progress Kate thought she'd been making on herself in the months prior to all of this.

"You mentioned being angry Kate but why do you think what you call a betrayal by Castle has affected you so deeply?" Burke asks in his ever calm and even tone.

It's the same question that's been running through her minds these past weeks. _Come on Kate, you catch criminals for a living. You can do this. You can face your emotions_. She decides it's now or never. "I guess I have realized I'm scared."

"Scared of what?"

Kate feels the all too familiar prick of burning behind her eyes and she can't hold the tears back any longer. The deep pain and fear inside of her brimming at the edge just ready to fall over and she wants it to. She's just so tired. She's tired of what she's been putting herself through, tired of hurting Castle.

"I'm scared of losing him and so maybe I pushed him away before he did. ," she lets out a huff of breath at her own absurdity, because it is absurd. But she had let her emotions, her past tangle her up so badly that she crashed and it had been easier to protect herself. "Before he realized how messed up I am. Or before something happens to him because I can't-I can't lose him too." She takes a moment to blow her nose with a tissue and then continues.

"He is the first person," she takes a deep breath, steadies her voice, "The first person that I have loved, really loved and who loves me and I feel like knows me like no one else does. I was doing all this work to be better and then when I found out he'd been keeping so much from me, I already felt like I'd lost him, like what we had wasn't as real as I thought it was."

"You say that Castle loves you?"

She's hiding her face again, eyes focused on her hands as she wrings them in her lap.

"Yes, he does. I know he does."

"Then why do you think he hid information from you Kate? What do you think his motives were for doing that?"

A salty tear drops to her hands as she answers. "I guess he did it _because_ he loves me and he didn't want me to get hurt. But…"

"Kate," he starts after she doesn't continue her sentence, "Can I make an observation?"

"Yes."

"It is obvious that this rift in your relationship is causing you great pain. The idea that you are here says to me that you would like to fix it. Is that true?"

"Yes, I do. I guess I'm just no good at this. It's part of why I didn't jump in with him sooner,"

"Well, I'm not saying what Castle did was right or wrong, but Kate, are you willing to forgive him for going behind your back out of love and concern for you? Are you willing to show him how you feel?"

It's hours after her session with Dr. Burke and somehow saying things out loud and getting out of her head have helped her more than she could have imagined. Suddenly it is so clear to her that she has made the biggest mistake of her life in pushing Castle away. Relationships take work and at the first sign of something real between them she pushed him away and ran. She needs to make this right as soon as she can. She needs to see if they still have a chance.

She's sitting on her bed already in her nightshirt, feet folded underneath her and suddenly she feels like a teenager again working up the nerve to call the boy she had her first crush on. Only now the stakes are so much higher than they ever have been before. What if he's done with her? What if she pushed too far and waited too long? What if he doesn't love her anymore?

Still, she picks up her phone and pulls up his contact. Kate takes a moment to admire his picture before pressing the call button. Her heart is in her throat as it starts to ring and she considers hanging up for the millionth time, but sticks it out. Each ring fills her chest with a little more anxiety. When his voicemail picks up she feels like a fish out of water. She hadn't prepared a message, was planning on going off of how he responded to her calling. Nevertheless, when his familiar message ends, she does the best that she can. She really hopes that he doesn't catch on to the fact that her voice was shaking the entire time.

* * *

He's been feeling better lately. The fresh mountain air, the trees and greenery-everything's so green, has really been good for his soul and his body. Castle has taken up jogging and hiking in the last few weeks he's been here. One day he was out from sunrise to sunset following a trail by the house that led him to a small but pristine lake. It was so clean and beautiful, it was as if it had been untouched by man. He sat there for a long time just taking in nature, the birds singing and the quiet. New York City was his home and he loved it, but he was really growing to love this too.

When he wasn't writing, dabbling with different stories here and there he'd found some weights in the second bedroom and had started a new exercise routine. The last time at the grocery store he bought all the ingredients for hot fudge sundaes, but he had focused on healthy items for the rest of his purchases. He wouldn't say he was happy, there was still an ache deep in his heart but he hadn't physically felt this great in years.

He had just stepped out of the shower, a towel loosely wrapped around his waist and was considering a shave when his phone rang. He'd already had his daily chat with Alexis and his mother was currently on a whirlwind shopping trip in Paris.

He looked at the number that flashed across the screen, a number he knew well despite the lack of a name attached. Beckett was calling. He couldn't bring himself to move and he just watched stock still until the voicemail icon lit up. Though he wasn't ready to talk with her, he had to know immediately what her message said. He closed his eyes as he pressed play, the familiar intonation of her voice filling the room as he listened on speaker.

 _"Um, hey Castle. It's me, I just, I was hoping that maybe we could talk? I know that I'm probably not your favorite person right now but...if you want to maybe you could call me back or text? Anyway I hope you do. Ok, bye."_

She sounded nervous and small and nothing like the strong intimidating Beckett he knew. Nothing like the last time that they talked, that they fought. He wasn't ready, not yet to have a conversation with her. That didn't stop him from listening to her message a few more times.

* * *

It's two days later and she still hasn't heard back from Castle. Each passing hour has felt like torture and she feels like it's deserved. If this is at all close to how Castle felt the summer that she'd disappeared and hadn't called, she completely understands his anger now if she didn't before. And for her it's only been a few days. She's realizing just how much she has to make up to him.

She's distracted at work and the boys have noticed, she knows, but she can't help the renewed hope that has been growing within her and the need to constantly check her phone and to come up with ideas on how to make this up to him. She was going to call him one more time and if he didn't answer she'd go to the loft, bring him his favorite dinner and hope he didn't slam the door on her face.

She's lost in those thoughts when suddenly Ryan and Espo are rushing up to her desk. Their voices are hushed and their faces serious and she just _knows_ they have something, a break in her shooting that they were looking for all this time.

They explain how they think their suspect is hiding under a fake identity in a cheap pay by the hour motel just two miles from here. This is it, they will finally be able to get him. Finally find her shooter and close her mom's case. This is what she has been waiting for but she can't help but wish that Castle was here to see it happen.

Her phone rings as she's gathering her things to leave, a number she doesn't recognize. She's in a hurry and answers with a curt, "Beckett."

"Is this Detective Kate Beckett?" A woman's voice says through the speaker.

"Yes, yes this is she." This woman better start talking fast.

"I'm a nurse calling from Estes Park Medical Center about Mr. Richard Castle. There's been an accident."


	6. Chapter 6

Beckett stops dead in her tracks. "An accident?" She tries her best not to let the rise of panic she feels in her chest leach through to her words. No, no this cannot be happening. He has to be ok.

"He was in a car accident. He is currently stable, but has suffered several critical injuries and he hasn't regained consciousness since he was brought in. It is very likely he will need surgery. He has you down in his phone as an emergency contact. We are going to need someone to give consent for further treatment."

"Surgery? What about his mother? His daughter?"

"There is only one spot to list an emergency contact on his phone."

"Ok, I'll get in contact with them. Where are you located? I don't recognize the hospital name?"

"Estes Park, Colorado. I can give you all the details."

"Beckett," Esposito calls as she's writing down the hospital information and he makes a _wrap it up_ sign with his hand.

"I'll be there as soon as I can," he hears her say before she hangs up.

"Beckett, what gives? We gotta go before he's spooked."

"Espo, it's Castle. He was in an accident and… I have to go. I have to get to him," her voice is shaking as she tells him.

"What about this lead? Kate, _this is it_ ," Espo pleads with her.

She doesn't even stop to ponder her decision, its already made and for once it's clear as day what she needs to do.

"I know, but, he's more important. Tell Gates, tell her what you've got and get back up. I have to get to Castle."

"Alright, go. We've got this," he says, backing up her decision.

"Thanks Espo."

She runs to stairs and bolts down them, flagging the first cab she sees as she exits the precinct. The next flight she can get leaves in two hours. She calls Martha, cursing the fact that she's forced to leave a voicemail telling her that she urgently needs to talk with her about Castle. Kate decides to wait to call Alexis, knowing that girl was out of town on her summer college program. With no clear information she decides it would only cause her to worry. At least until she could talk with Martha.

She stops at home to pack a bag quickly as possible and she explains to Gates over the phone that she needs to use some of her personal days and thankfully her Captain approves them.

Kate is a nervous wreck as she waits to board the plane. What on earth is Castle doing in _Colorado_? In her mind she had been planning to stop by the loft and see him tonight to make amends. Regret over everything that happened between them brims at the surface of her thoughts and makes her heart ache. Adrenaline has kept her going thus far but when the plane is finally up in the air, she is unable to stop the tears from escaping and she hopes and prays that it's not too late.

It's dark when she lands and she decides that it would be easier to rent a car to get to the hospital as quickly as possible. When she finally arrives at the nurses station she finds out that he's still in the intensive care unit. She's momentarily frozen in place when she finds his room number. The walls are glass allowing the nurses ease of monitoring patients. She's been in hospitals dozens of times before but never felt this way, everything seems so unreal. The head night nurse, Mary is telling her about his condition but her mind is a blur. Trying to understand what Mary is saying takes extreme effort and all her concentration. She pushes the rise of panic down because he's all alone in there and she needs to be here for him.

He's still unconscious when she walks in his room. She didn't even realize she was crying again until she feels the moisture track down her cheek. Castle has a breathing tube down his throat and he is connected to so many machines that it is overwhelming to look at him. Blood, and bruises are already visible all over his body. His hand lays practically lifeless on the bed. Intellectually she knows he's not dead but as she touches her fingers to his soft skin a wave of relief rushes over her, he's warm, he's alive. She envelopes his large hand in both of hers.

"Hey Castle." She says softly. "I-I've missed you." She's always heard rumors that people who are unconscious can sometimes hear when people talk to them. The fact that he doesn't answer back, not in joy or anger to see her hits her hard. She can't believe this is happening. Kate drops her head to where his arm rests on the bed and sobs.

She's stirred a few moments later by the buzzing of her cell. She wipes her face and answers the call back from Martha.

It's horrible and heart-breaking telling Martha about Castle's condition. Her only son and the only present parent that her granddaughter has. Kate finds out that Martha is in Paris and it is going to be a few days due to the flights before she will be able to arrive.

"Katherine, I'm so glad that you are there with him. It means a great deal that you showed up for him, " she says in complete honesty and Kate does her best to be strong and hold herself together.

"I'll get a hold of Alexis. It will be better for her to find out from me," Martha continues.

"Yes of course. And, anything I can do to help I'm here Martha. Oh, wait they said they will need consent on his further treatment."

"Well, he has already named you as his medical power of attorney. You and I both are actually but seeing that I cannot be there…"

She's shocked at this knowledge, that he trusts her so much but then again she shouldn't be. She remembers several years ago he had asked that she watch out for Alexis if anything ever happened to him. She should know by now he is such an open and trusting man.

"You didn't know did you?"

"No, I had no idea. He didn't tell me."

"Katherine, despite whatever has been going on with you two, he trusts you. He trusts you with his life and I believe that you will make whatever decision is necessary until I get there."

"Ok, yes, I can do that. I'll keep you informed of any changes."

"See you as soon as possible dear."

She heads out to the nurses station to straighten out his paperwork still reeling from the news. Martha was going to have all of Castle's medical records sent there as well as information from his lawyer.

It's mere minutes later that a doctor and nurse enter and pull Kate rom her thoughts as she sits in a small reclining chair next to Castle's bed.

"Ms. Beckett, Richard is going to need immediate surgery. The break to his arm is severe and will need surgery to correct. There also appears to be swelling on his back and side, which may be fluid or internal bleeding. It's very important that we rectify this immediately. If we don't relieve the pressure it will restrict the blood flow to his lower body and legs."

"Yes, ok. What are the risks?"

"Well, every surgery can have complications, but if he doesn't have the surgery he may be paralysed from the hips down. There is still a chance that could happen even with the surgery. We will be very close to his spinal cord. He would also run a greater risk of blood clot and stroke."

The word plays over and over in her head. Paralyzed? Stroke? This seems so surreal but she needs to make a decision. She thinks through all she knows of Castle. He's a fighter, he wouldn't run the risk of paralysis without trying to fix it. He would want to do the surgery and that's what she tells them. She hopes that she has made the right decision. If he was paralyzed because of this, she doesn't know how she would live with herself. But Castle trusts her, or at least he used to.

They decide to operate right away, timing being one of the most important factors in his case. They have not found any indication of head injury and have every hope that he will wake up after the anesthesia wears off.

She doesn't leave the hospital the entire time. It would feel wrong to leave him and she wants to be updated as often as possible on his condition. It's morning when the texts start coming in from Lanie and Ryan asking about Castle's condition and she's grateful to have the distraction.

Martha has informed her that she and Alexis will travel to the hospital together and they should be there late the next day.

She spends what feels like hours pacing up and down the halls, finally buys some popcorn from the vending machine because it is all that she can stomach. There is a new shift in the hospital, a flurry of busyness begins as the new nurses start their shifts. Soon she's introduced to Claire who will be a nurse on Castle's floor. When she meets Kate, she must sense the anxiety she bears and Claire, an older woman with grey hair and a gentle face leads Kate to a small quiet room that must be a break room for the nurses and sets a fresh cup of coffee before her.

"This is where we keep the good stuff," Claire says with a kind smile. "Don't get the horrible excuse for coffee from the cafeteria, it tastes like battery acid."

Kate gives a small smile as the remark reminds her of Castle and his thoughts on the precinct coffee before he came along with his fancy espresso machine. He would like Claire. He _will_ like Claire; he's going to be alright.

"Are you his wife?" she asks.

For a second the question throws her because even though she had messed up so badly with him, she'd thought about the possibility that maybe she would be his wife someday.

"Oh, um, no. I'm his partner. I'm a detective," she clarifies.

Claire must be great a reading people though because the look she gives her says she can tell they are more than just partners but she doesn't push.

"Surgeries can take along time honey. Just breath, have some coffee and I'll come and let you know what his status is, ok?"

"Thank you," Kate says and the woman's kindness makes all the difference in the anxiety levels she felt rising up.

Claire has been back several times to check on her but it's three hours later before she's told that he is out of surgery and she practically runs to his room. It will be awhile before he wakes up but it's so good to see him again. She pulls a plastic chair close to his bed. Kate has been awake for so long that before she really realizes the fatigue overcomes her and she lays her head down on the mattress, a hand on his arm and soon she's asleep.

He's completely disoriented when he first opens his eyes. It takes a moment to adjust to the low lighting of the room and his body feels fuzzy. His mind is cloudy and he has a horrible headache. There is pain throbbing through his right arm and he looks over and sees it in a cast.

He feels a warm soft weight on his left side and looks to see Beckett asleep, half her body on a chair and half on his bed. Why is Beckett here? Suddenly he realizes he's in the hospital, remembers the sage green SUV heading straight at him, getting out to check on the people in the other car. He remembers seeing a little girl limp in the backseat of that car, the flashing lights of the ambulance before everything just went black.


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: So sorry for the delay. Vacation and then a bit of trouble getting this to go the way I envisioned came in to play. Hopefully there won't be too much wait for next update. This didn't turn out exactly as planned but I hope you still enjoy. As always reviews are appreciated!_

* * *

He tries to adjust his body his legs especially feel heavy, almost as if they have fallen asleep and in moving Beckett stirs from the arm she was using as a pillow. He's still not thinking clearly and isn't even sure yet how he feels about her being here. She hurt him so badly, not only with the lie but the way she had completely walked away from him, from their partnership.

"Castle, you're awake," he hears her say voice soft and still full of sleep. He watches her pull her slender body upright as she attempts to collect herself, but really she looks as bad as he feels.

"What-" he starts, but his throat is sore and rough. He eagerly sips on the water that she offers him before continuing. "What are you doing here?"

He's not sure when all the touching started, but she's rubbing her hand slowly up and down his arm, sending an unexpected shiver through his body. He's still angry with her but he can't help the rush of electricity that jolts his heart, the longing he feels for _them_ , at finally seeing her again.

"Castle, you were in a car accident." Now that he can clearly see her face he can't help but notice her eyes are red-rimmed and puffy.

"Yes, I see that," he says quietly, still testing his voice, "but, what are _you_ doing here?"

He doesn't miss the downturn of her eyes, the look of hurt that washes over her face and he's confused by it. She hasn't exactly shown him she would show up for him based on past behavior.

"Castle, I came to see you, to make sure you were ok. I was so worried, I-"

"And my mother? Alexis?" He says cutting her off as a wave of anger floods back up through his chest. He's not ready yet to talk about everything that has brought them to this place of awkwardness.

"They're on their way. Your mother is coming from France and had some difficulty at first finding a flight, but they should be here tomorrow."

"How do you feel?" She asks, finally daring lifting her eyes to meet his.

"My arm hurts and my back, it's sore. My legs they feel really strange. "

"Can you-can you move your legs?" She asks timidly. Oh, she's worried. What happened to his legs?

He's relieved when he finds that though he is sluggish and weak, his legs seem fine as he wiggles them under the scratchy hospital sheets. Beckett visibly relaxes before him.

"I'll get the nurse so they can check on you; get you some more pain meds if you need." Then she's out the door and he's glad to have a moment to process everything.

He feels so weak and his whole body aches but there is a deep pain in his heart and that is the part that hurts the most. Castle wasn't ready to see her. He had been debating even calling her back right before the accident happened.

The nurses come and go. Rick finds out the extent of his injuries and the surgery that he had. It is confirmed, thankfully, that he will have no paralysis in his legs as they had feared. In this moment he's overcome with gratefulness that he is alive and will suffer no extreme health issues from the accident. Knowing now what he could have lost has him returning back to what he did lose, with Beckett. How they both could have made better choices and things between them would be different. It has him thinking, wishing, _hoping?_ that the fact that she came all this way means they might still have a chance to fix things.

He's been staring in a trance out the window for quite some time when he hears Beckett lightly knock on the side of his door and enters on her way back from the cafeteria.

"Hi, I'm back. Can I get you anything? Do you want some more water?"

"No, no, I'm ok," he says shifting on the bed and attempting to sit up, rather than continue to lay down, though his head spins a bit at the change in posture. Beckett comes up to his sterile hospital bed and helps him adjust its level and even fixes his pillow for him. His eyes are locked on her as she flits about tending to him and for just a moment he lets himself enjoy her care. He doesn't know what will happen with them and is so confused as to why she's really here but for now, he takes what she gives.

He had been going over in his mind the last things that happened before the accident, he was thinking about _her,_ and didn't even realize the car coming at him had ventured into his lane until it was too late and he swerved, hitting the rocky side of the mountain road. If he was almost paralyzed what happened to the other car?

"There was a little girl, Beckett. In the other car, I need to know. Are they ok? Is _she_ ok?"

Her heart floods with tenderness and an aching sadness for him. She knew this was coming, that he would inquire about the other car involved in the accident, but she was not looking forward to explaining it to him. She had a chance to read the police report while he was sleeping. Kate had been hoping to give him good news, but it wasn't good news.

"Castle, maybe we should talk about this later. When you are feeling better?"

"Kate," it's the first time in a long time he has called her that. " _Please_ , I need to know," he says, the desperation leaching out in his words.

She can't deny him this even though she wants to spare him the heartache. "I'm so sorry Castle." She can see his eyes filling before she can continue, but she knows him and he needs to know the whole story, is never content with a partial explanation. "She didn't make it." She feels her own eyes start to swell as she sees the sadness on his face. "Her parents had several injuries but it looks like they will be ok."

"Not after losing their child. How could they be ok?" He asks and it seems as he is asking himself the question. "Can you go please?"

"Are you sure?"

"Go, please. I need to be alone for awhile," he says turning his head away from her and focusing on the picture of a sailboat on the far wall. A moment later he hears the soft click of the hospital room door and though he asked for it, he feels so alone. He feels so guilty over the loss of that little girl with blonde curls.

* * *

Kate is so glad to have made a friend with Claire at the hospital. The kind nurse allows her to shower and change in one of the empty hospital rooms as she hadn't bothered getting a hotel room. She takes the time to reflect on what she wants to say to Castle, if he allows her to talk. She had worked through most of her feelings back in the city, but almost losing him, really almost losing him forever has brought forth a new desperation inside of her to set things right, to lay her heart out before him no matter the consequences, because she can no longer live with herself if she doesn't.

Every time she'd try to tell him why she was really here he would change the subject, or they would be interrupted by a nurse or a meal delivery or he'd fall asleep or recieve another dose of pain meds. She desperately needed him to remember what they talk about and not hungover on meds the next day. So she'd wait, until he was ready, she needed to but his needs above her own for once.

Her stomach rumbles reminding her she hasn't had a decent meal in over a day and she's sure Castle will be hungry. He's always taking care of her, plying her with coffee and food. It's her turn now. While she can't take away his physical or emotional pain from the accident, maybe some good food can bring him a little bit of comfort.

Beckett's back an hour later with food from a local burger place. He thanks her and manages to eat a little of it, but any conversation that they have shortly dissolves. It's clear Castle's mind is elsewhere. A neutral silence falls between them as nurses come and go. Soon, she'll have her chance to tell him how she feels, _soon_.

* * *

The next morning Alexis and Martha arrive and rush to Castle, embracing him and checking him over like two mother hens.

After the reassurance for themselves that he is going to be alright, Martha engulfs Kate in a bear hug. It reminds her of the way her mother would embrace her, and warm surges to her heart with the realization that she cares so deeply for Martha. Ever since she'd stayed at the loft when her apartment exploded, she'd felt a special connection to her.

Kate leaves them to catch up then, stepping out into the hall as before they see the tears that have welt up in her eyes.

Castle is being discharged today. His injuries are already starting to heal and thankfully he has no brain damage, and no other swelling. His arm and ribs will most likely take the longest to heal.

Since the timing has been all wrong to talk with Castle about anything that relates to _them_ , she decides to go back to New York. Maybe in time he will come around, when he's home she'll try again. Even thinking of leaving him though, after everything, makes her heart hang heavy in her chest.

She's been in the hall outside his room trying to find a hotel room, only to find that there are none available in the area or on the way to the airport. There is some kind of business convention in town and her flight is not until the next evening.

"Thank you anyway," she hangs up frustrated from the last hotel when Martha walks by her.

"Trouble dear?" She asks Kate, clearly noticing the tone of her voice.

"I just can't find a hotel for the night. I'll keep looking."

"Why bother dear? We are all going back to the house Richard rented. Alexis and I plan to be in the spare bedroom, but there is a large couch in the living room that turns into a sleeper sofa. You can just stay with us."

"Thank you for the offer, but, I-um, I don't think that Castle will be very happy about that. He doesn't seem pleased that I am here at all."

She's curious and a little worried when Martha gently takes her elbow and leads her to a row of chairs further down the hall out of earshot of Castle's room.

"Katherine, I don't know exactly what happened between you two, but I know it must have been bad for Richard to run away like he did." Kate can feel a flush of shame cross her face, "But, I also know that you coming here to be with him means _something_...if I'm not mistaken?"

"You're not mistaken," she answers quietly.

"So, maybe this is the chance you two need to make this right? I'll talk to Richard, it really does only make sense you would come back with us and I raised my son to be hospitable if nothing else."

"Ok, if you are sure. And, thank you."

"Anytime dear," Martha smiles warmly.


	8. Chapter 8

They grab lunch on the way from the hospital to Castle's rental cabin. It's clear that Rick is not pleased with the news that Beckett would be tagging along, but he's polite and allows it without any verbal reproach.

Though Castle is so grateful to have his mother and daughter with him, he feels guilty that Alexis is missing the final week of her program. A week that she had been very excited for, that will allow for networking and choosing an internship for the fall. After much convincing from both her elders Alexis agrees to go back to finish the week, seeing that her father's recovery is going so well.

About two hours after Alexis has left the house, Martha comes roaring out of the spare room, flare and drama coming along with her.

"Oh no, darling this is just horrible news," she says to hanging up her call. "That was the caretaker for my acting studio and there has been a fire."

"Oh, Martha that's terrible. Is everyone ok?" Kate asks rising from her seat on the couch to place her hand on Martha's arm.

"Thankfully yes, but there will be so much to do. The insurance company, the repairs. I must get back as soon as possible!" She's already in a colorful flurry collecting her items from around the living room.

"Mother, have you forgotten you were staying to help me with recovery until the doctors clear me to fly? Alexis already went back to finish her program. We insisted, remember?"

"Oh, I'm so sorry darling. There isn't anyone else who can sign for the repairs. The insurance agent wants to be there tomorrow morning. I'm not sure what I can do…" she says pointing a suggestive head nod in Kate's direction. This is just the opening she'd been waiting for.

"I can stay," Kate chimes in.

Both sets of eyes move simultaneously to her.

" _What_?" Castle asks, incredulous at this turn of events.

"I'll stay. I can help you get to your doctor appointments and get you anything you need until you're able to go home."

"I can't ask you to do that." He's still so cold when he talks to her.

"Well, you're not asking. I'm offering. Plus, there's no one else. You're stuck with me."

"What about work? No way Gates gives you time off."

"Actually she told me I could use all of my vacation time if I needed it. Thankfully I had short term disability after the shooting and I _never_ go on vacation. I have plenty of days. Anyways the doctor said you could probably go back home in a few days after your check ups."

He's working really hard to get rid of her and it feels so strange that their care taking roles seem to have been reversed. She wants to do this though, she needs to. It's her chance to really prove how much she cares about him, a chance to talk through everything.

" _Fine_ ," he says finally resigned to the idea. A beat later he adds a soft, "Thank you."

She could have sworn she saw Martha smirking out of the corner of her eye. "Well, I'm off darlings," she says mere moments later, her carry on bag and purse in hand. "My Uber is here."

"Your car is here _already_?" Her son squeeks as Martha leans in to plant a kiss on his cheek.

"Time is of the essence darling," Martha replies giving Kate a hug and waking to the door. Just like that she's gone and it's the two of them alone in this beautiful cabin. For a moment they each meet the other's gaze. Did they just get played?

Kate recovers quickly trying her best to avoid falling into a trap of awkwardness. "So, I was thinking I could make some fried rice for dinner, and I have this great recipe for sweet and sour chicken," she suggests from her stance in front of the fully stocked refrigerator. There aren't any restaurants near enough to deliver and she doesn't mind cooking; knows he loves Chinese food.

"I suppose that would be alright," he says flatly from his cocoon of pillow and blankets on the couch.

"I can make something else if you'd like?"

"No, don't worry about me, just-just make whatever you want and I'll eat if I get hungry," he responds already looking down again at the pages of his book.

 _Ugg_ , this might to be more difficult than she thought. He does not seem nearly as inclined as in the past to get things back to normal between them. _Maybe that is a good thing,_ she thinks, because maybe it sets them up for a different outcome this time. A better outcome.

He would have done this for her, stayed and taken care of her if she'd have let him, and now she'll show him how much she cares. Despite the fact that he is acting like a child.

"Fine," she says her tone neutral as she enters the living room. She'll make his favorite food and he'll want it. He can't go forever without eating.

"Castle," she says her voice softer now, timid even. "Now that it's just us, can we talk?" she asks rounding to where he sits on the luxuriously soft couch.

"Actually, I was just going to go take a nap. It's been a long day and I'm exhausted. Body is healing and all that," he says with a yawn. He's putting her off, she's not a top-notch detective for nothing and he's never been a good liar.

"Ok, well, maybe after?" she asks, her voice tinged with more desperation than she'd hoped.

She can see in his eyes that he's still holding her at bay when he answers a simple, "Maybe."

He shifts around, struggling to get up from his spot on the couch. He's weighed down by the weakness that still plagues his body from its trauma. Kate walks in front of him and grabs his large hands in her own, ready to help him up. He pauses to gather his strength, and to calm his heart that has begun a rapid pace without his permission at the touch of her hands. Once Castle's standing he shakes her off though and he manages to get himself down the hall to his bedroom.

It takes him longer than he thought to fall asleep as he plays over and over in his mind the fight that they had at the loft. She's here and that has to mean something, but if this is not real, if she doesn't feel the same, he doesn't want to risk his heart getting trampled again. Finally the exhaustion outweighs his thoughts and he's pulled under into sleep.

Hours later, she sits alone at the counter top bar in the kitchen. Castle had been awake for sometime, but so far he had refused to eat and remained in his bedroom. She brought him fresh water, but it had been hours since he'd eaten. Each time he seemed annoyed with her. _Enough of this, he has to eat._

"You know what," she says grabbing his attention as she stands in the door frame of his room, "your body is recovering and you need to eat. What am I going to tell Alexis about you getting better if you won't even eat?" She says placing a plate full of food right in his lap, even as he sits in bed. "You don't want her to worry do you?"

"Fine. I'll eat, but only for Alexis' sake."

"Fine," she answers, waiting until her back was turned to let the sly smile escape. She can do this. She can take care of him, she can prove how much she really wants to be here for him no matter how he resists.

He eats alone in his room. He allows his eyes to close as he enjoys a second bite of the meal Beckett made for him. It is delicious. He's reminded of how she'd cooked for him when she stayed at the loft. It had been such a surprise to learn this tidbit about her, to have her share more about her mother with him. Here today, she'd made his favorite meal. She _knows_ his favorite meal and that in and of itself surprises him. He is always paying attention to details like that about her, but rarely had it been reciprocated. He feels his heart hope a little bit more.

He's finally ready to sleep for the night around midnight, the grogginess he's felt all day catching up with him again. His body has been out of a regular routine since he'd been in the hospital. He stands to change his clothes and in the morning a button down shirt had seemed like the best idea as it was so easy to get his cast through, but now he was cursing the buttons. He'd managed to undo the first button, but one-handed he couldn't get the rest to budge.

He tries lifting the shirt up over his head, but ends up even more tangled than before. " _Damn it,"_ he curses under his breath. It's a last ditch effort that leads him out to the living room where Beckett is reading on the couch, a single lamp illuminating her reading spot.

He clears his throat to alert her to his presence as he walks in the room because he really doesn't want to ask for her help.

"Hey Castle... did you need something? I thought you were going to sleep?" she asks, shifting around in her spot to see him.

"Yeah," he says taking a step closer to her, "it turns out buttons are not my friend right now."

"Oh," she says realization hitting her as she abandons her blanket and stands to take the few steps to meet him. "Here, let me help."

She reaches for the first button and slips it easily through the hole when she's struck with the realization that this is not at all how she pictured the first time she would be undressing him. The task feeling mundane with things so strained between them.

Numerous times she'd imagined what it would be like to undo his shirt for him to run her hands up the warm skin of his chest, to feel the strength of his muscles and press herself close to him. He must sense something has changed as he notices her hesitation with the next button. Her fingers linger just a little too long before she continues on.

He's been doing his best to keep his distance, trying to protect his heart. Now, even with everything that has happened there is energy being conducted between them. In this moment, he cannot take his eyes off of her gorgeous face.

Her hands are warm where they hover so close to his skin. He feels his face flush slightly and his heart starts to race as she draws their hands lower to the next round disk and her fingers slowly spread open his shirt. When she pulls her bottom lip between her teeth he's so relieved that she's finished. These next few days are going to be a lot harder than he anticipated.

"All done," Kate says finally lifting her hazel eyes to meet his. They hold each other's gaze intently and time seems to have stopped. She hopes he can feel it, that he will see in her eyes what she hasn't been able to say yet. Just as she's about to speak, thinks he might be ready to listen he beats her to it, saying a quick _thank you_ and walking back to his room. A soft click alerts her that he's closed his door.

She's frozen in place as a sadness and longing rushes through her. It feels like another opportunity has been missed. She wants to touch him, to hug him and care for him. It makes her wonder if this is how he felt. If it was this hard for him to stop himself from reaching for her, from kissing her and comforting her after a bad case, after the shooting. Things are so much clearer to her now that she has fully accepted how she feels about him.

She goes to bed with an deep ache, an emptiness still in her heart. She is here with him, but he is still so far away.


	9. Chapter 9

Kate feels like only mere minutes have passed since she reached a deep sleep when she's awakened by a noise in the next room. She can hear Castle thrashing around in bed distressed. She hears him crying out, his voice is hoarse as he says, "No! No!" over and over again.

Trying not to panic herself, she flings the sheets off of her and runs into his room. Wasting no time she doesn't bother to knock and as she enters, she hears a bang followed by the sound of glass shattering on the wood floor.

"Rick," she breathes out, rounding the bed to come to his side. "Wake up. It's just a dream, it's just a dream." Kate tries to keep her voice soft and soothing as she takes a step closer to sit at his side and feels the stab of something slice into the soft flesh of her foot.

She grits her teeth at the unexpected pain, but keeps her focus on Castle. She reaches for his forearm, the one not bound by a cast, to try and stop him from flailing around in the bed. She tries to get through to him again, "Castle, wake up for me."

His eyes burst open at her touch. His chest is heaving and he appears to be working twice as hard as normal to get air into his lungs. Droplets of sweat have formed on his forehead and his hair is disheveled from his harsh movements on the pillow.

"Beckett," he rasps, immediately taking hold of the arm she has stretched out to him and clinging to it for a moment as he comes into consciousness.

"You were having a nightmare. It's ok, you're ok."

Castle's voice is low and breathy as he speaks again, "She was dying and I couldn't help her. Beckett, _I tried_. I tried so hard to get to her but my body gave out and I couldn't... I keep seeing her face. It was...it was happening all over again. She was so little and had these blonde curls…"

Kate watches him zone out in thought. Compassion blooms in her heart for what he is going through. He looks haunted as he remembers the horrible tragedy, fixing his eyes to a dark corner of his bedroom. The light coming in from the hallway is the only illumination that is provided to them. It only allows her to see a sliver of reflection from the tears swelling up in his eyes.

"It's my fault. It's my fault that she's dead."

" _No_ , Castle. It was an _accident_."

"It was my fault Beckett!" His volume is louder and angry, at her or himself she's not sure. "I wasn't even paying attention. I didn't even realize the car was swerving into my lane."

He shakes her arm off of him as he continues, finally looking her in the eye. She sees regret written all over his face.

"You wanna know what I was thinking about?" He asks coldly, rhetorically, and she knows better than to answer, waits silently for him to continue.

" _You_. I was thinking about you. About how you hurt me. About that voicemail you left me. I was trying to decide how crazy-just how self-destructive it would be for me to call you back. That's what I was thinking about when it happened. And now there is a real casualty that has come out of the mess that we made."

She's silent in shock; feels as if she has been slapped in the face, though he would never lay a hand on her. Their eyes are locked together and though she tries, though she knows that his words are fueled by the nightmare and guilt about the accident, she can't stop the hot tears that roll down her face.

Kate finds herself wringing her hands together, feeling so vulnerable as she stares down at them in her lap. Suddenly the way he's kept his distance since she got her, his anger with her makes sense. He had a right to be upset before and she knows she hurt him at the loft and even after...but if he had her mixed up in his mind with guilt over this accident it explains why he won't open up to even the idea of talking about _them_.

Her emotions were running high and so were his.

Her lip trembles as she finally speaks, "I'm sorry, Rick. _I'm so sorry,_ about _everything_. I've been trying to tell you, to make it up to you after what happened, after that day at the loft. I was wrong about so many things." She's just getting started, wants to tell him all she has been keeping inside but he's not hearing her. The events of the past moments still too raw.

"You know what, I can't do this now," he says laying back down on his pillow in frustration. "I appreciate you being willing to stay and help me but, maybe this was a bad idea," he says.

"At least let me tell you what the follow-up police report said. About the accident," she counters in an attempt to extend an olive branch, a peace offering and some middle ground in this mess they had made.

He takes it.

"You mean there was more than the initial report?" Rick asks rising again from his pillow to sit as best he can.

"Yes, there was a follow-up with information from the hospital. I knew that you would want to know when you were ready. Castle, the accident wasn't your fault." She hears him huff in denial but continues on anyways.

"The girl's father, who was driving the car had a seizure. Rick, he has a rare undiagnosed medical condition. It caused him to temporarily lose consciousness. That is what caused him to swerve into your lane. His wife tried to grab the wheel, overcompensated. What happened was tragic and horrible but you need to know it wasn't your fault. It wasn't anyone's fault."

She didn't tell him to make her look better, or to lessen her guilt, but to lessen his. Knowing Castle he would have carried this burden around with him the rest of his life, and still may in some ways. He deserved to know that there was nothing he could have done.

After a long pause he seems calmer. He audibly swallows before saying, "I...thank you, for finding that out. For telling me."

"Of course. _Always_." She finds his eyes with hers, meaning not just brimming but overflowing with what she lets him see in her.

"So, I'm going to go get a broom and clean up this glass," she says motioning to the floor.

It's then he breaks his gaze, looks down only now realizing he had knocked over his water glass in the midst of his nightmare.

Kate groans as she puts weight on her foot and feels a sharp pain radiate through it. She must have stepped on a shard of the glass in her haste to reach Castle.

"Are you ok?" He inquires gently, and it is the closest tone to _caring_ that she's heard in his voice in a long time.

"I'm fine, I'll just clean up in the bathroom," she goes to stand again but he places a hand on her arm and she stops in her place.

"Wait, I basically have a whole medicine cabinet right here."

"It's fine I can-"

" _Beckett_ , just sit." He says softly and so she does.

Once he's satisfied she won't leave, he shifts over to the nightstand, turns on the small lamp and reaches for the Tupperware container filled with supplies.

"Alexis is very thorough. She made this kit up for me before she left. There is a little of everything in here," he says as he sifts through the box, lifting items and displacing them until he finds what he needs. Band-aids and alcohol wipes in hand he smiles triumphantly for just a flash of a moment before the smile disappears again.

"Give me your foot."

" _Castle_ , I'm supposed to be taking care of you," she says in hesitation.

"Well then, you better stop getting hurt." He makes a motion with his hand, a _come on_ wave and waits until she lifts her leg and places it next to his body on the bed, leaving her foot where he can reach it.

He inspects it with his good hand, and then reaches back into his magic supply box and procures a tweezers.

She watches him with tender eyes as he works on her foot. She takes advantage of the fact that he's looking away and she takes what feels like a forbidden moment to study his face. She notices the tired lines around the blue eyes she's always been drawn to, the stubble that has begun to pepper in along his jaw, the pierce of his lips as he focuses on retrieving the glass.

"Ow!" She jumps, shaken out of her perusal of him as the tweezers grasp the wayward glass.

" _Sorry_ ," he says sincerely. "I got it out. Let me just clean it and put the band-aid on." He's quiet then as he finishes and Kate soaks up the unexpected intimacy of his warm hand on her skin. Of him taking care of her with such kindness.

"All good," he says smoothing out and securing the last flap of the bandage.

"Thank you. I'll just go get the broom." She checks below her before stepping down on the floor, but glass is everywhere.

"Maybe I'll just go this way," she points to the other side of the bed. "Is it ok if I.." she says, motioning her hand over his feet, looking for permission to go over them. She feels awkward even asking but doesn't want to risk more cuts.

"Yeah, no, sure. I mean of course." He says feeling the strange tension between them as she carefully climbs across the end of the bed and he pulls his feet in towards his body to give her room until she is able to make it to the safe side of the bed. At another time the situation would have been humorous.

She makes quick work of cleaning the glass and bringing him a fresh cup of water and another pain pill.

"So, just let me know if you need anything. Anything at all," she says, still standing in his doorframe.

"I will. Good night, Kate."

 _Kate_ , he called her Kate. It's amazing how something so simple is the cause of the butterflies that have suddenly taken up residence in her stomach. They have so much more to talk about, so much she wants to say but this is the first time since that day in the loft she feels like they took a step forward.

She waits until he turns off the lamp on the nightstand before responding "Good night," and making her way back to her room.


	10. Chapter 10

_A/N: Thanks to those that are still following along with this story. Sorry for the delay, but I hope you enjoy!_

* * *

His muscles and arm are sore when he wakes the next morning, but he feels like he finally got some rest. He feels just a little bit lighter after the conversation he and Beckett had that night. Castle lifts his phone in search of the time and finds its almost eleven. He's startled when it rings while still in his hand. Ryan's calling him.

Castle has always been grateful for the way that the boys have taken him in. They treat him like a brother in the care they show him as well as the ribbing. Now, though he's sitting on the bed, head in his hands as he tries to process what Ryan has told him. Apparently, he'd thought that Beckett had already shared with him the circumstances in which she'd left when she'd flown out to Colorado. His mind is reeling, his heart thundering at what all this could mean.

He decides not to ask her about it yet. He's still trying to feel her out and it's just starting to feel like they have entered into a kind of fragile truce that could be easily broken.

Still unsure how he is feeling, Castle decides to get on with the day. He slowly rises from the bed and after using the restroom and patting down the few strands of his chestnut hair that are sticking up in the back, he walks out to the common rooms.

He finds her there, sitting at the kitchen island, a book in hand sipping from a mug of what he assumes is coffee. Somehow seeing her now feels different than the last few days have. Their encounter last night and the fact that she's _here_ , after what Ryan told her makes him soften. He realizes just how much he'd missed her over their separation the last few weeks.

"Morning sleepy head," she greets him as he enters the kitchen, smiling brightly at him.

"Morning," he returns.

"Here, you probably need another one of these," Kate says as she uncovers his bottle of pain medications and hands him one. She reaches behind her to fill a glass of water for him and hands him that as well.

"Thanks," he replies as he takes them from her. "How's your foot?" he asks.

"It feels better this morning. Thank you for patching me up."

"No problem," he replies. He finds that the encounter with her is still awkward, but she's trying and he can too.

"I made some breakfast burritos. Let me heat one up for you," she says in route to the microwave. "It might make that pill sit better in your stomach."

"Thank you," Castle says as he pulls a stool out from the kitchen island and sits next to her spot. She sets a hot cup of coffee before him and he smiles as she turns away. It feels nice to have her care for him, to have her anticipate what he wants as he has done so many times before for her, not that he needs her to repay him, but it feels _good._

She busies herself with his food as she talks. "So, what would you like to do today? I know you have a doctors appointment this morning to check on your progress, but after?"

"Well, I'm supposed to be doing some walking. Maybe we can take the trail behind the house. It's pretty tame if we stay close by." He takes a bite of the burrito she's placed in front of him and hums in enjoyment.

"You think you can handle that?" She asks with the lift of an eyebrow and a smile gracing her face.

"I'm always up for a challenge, Beckett. You know that," he replies and feels a smile tug at his lips.

"I've walked it a lot since coming here. I can handle it. Plus I know the physical therapist is going to be after me to walk more. And...you really shouldn't leave before seeing the view of the mountains around here. It really is spectacular."

He sees her smile. "It sounds great."

A few hours later he exits the doctor's office and finds Beckett finishing a phone call in the waiting room.

"Yeah, ok. Espo, listen we'll talk later. Ok, bye."

He catches the later part of the conversation as he approaches her.

"Hey, how did it go?" she asks turning her attention to him.

"Doc says I look great. They took some blood and we will just wait for those results to come back. The ribs are healing, slowly but healing and my arm looks fine too. He says I should be able to fly in a couple of days if the tests turn out as expected. I need to do some physical therapy exercises to make sure I'm using my muscles but other than that good."

"I can help you out with those if you'd like," Kate says as she looks at the black and white print out of the recommended exercises. "I had to do some of these when I was recovering from...well, yeah recovering."

"Um, yeah, I would appreciate that." He tries not to let himself be bothered by thoughts of her recovering on her own, of hiding away. She's here now and helping _him_ to recover and that must mean something. _Right_?

"Ready to go? I'm excited to take that walk. I think some fresh air would do us good."

"Yeah, let's go," Castle replies as they head back to the car.

They eat a quick late lunch before heading out the back door to the yard and following the footpath that leads to a slightly wider trail of wood chips. The weather is perfect, the sun is shining but not too hot. They walk together a while before Castle breaks the comfortable silence they had been in.

"So, how's Espo?"

"What?"

"You were talking to him at the doctor's office…"

"Right, yeah. He's fine. He actually wanted me to say hi. He's glad that your recovery is going well."

"He called me the other week. I didn't get a chance to call him back," Castle says feeling a little guilty now.

"Well, I don't think he has any hard feelings about it Castle."

He's about to bring up the call from Ryan now but caught up in his thoughts, Castle's foot catches on something in the path. He reaches his arm out to find balance and Kate grabs him, helps him steady himself.

"Whoa, you ok there?" she asks in concern.

"I guess I'm still a little weak, a little off balance."

"Maybe we should sit for a minute?"

"Up ahead there is a nice spot. By those rocks?" He nods to the grouping of some boulders on his left side just up ahead. All the while Kate keeps him close has his arm tangled with hers to ensure he won't trip.

They reach the spot and sit side by side. Castle watches her as she takes in the view in front of them. A large meadow filled with a rainbow of flowers and native grasses is displayed before them. The blue-grey mountain range rises majestically behind it, decorated with white puffy clouds that caress the peaks.

Birds are happily singing songs to one another in the background, while crickets compete with a soundtrack of their own. His eyes are drawn from her as they both watch a swallowtail butterfly dance in the air around them and land just a few feet ahead on top of a purple coneflower.

He hears her release a deep sigh, her shoulders dropping and releasing stress she must have felt. "Castle, this place is so beautiful," she breathes out. "It's so peaceful."

"I spent quite a bit of time out here since I arrived. I had even worked my way up to some of the full day hikes."

"You? Hiking?" She teases. "I never figured you for such the outdoors type."

"I guess there isn't much space or time for that in the city, but I do enjoy it," he shares with her.

They are quiet for a few beats as they both soak in their surroundings.

Soon it becomes too much for him, too much to sit thighs pressed next to hers, joking with her, without knowing. Without getting things out in the open. Without attempting to move forward.

"I wanted to thank you for coming- " he pauses for a beat, "and for staying. I know the way that we left things didn't make it an easy choice."

He had been trying to understand why she was even here after shoving him away until the phone call he'd gotten from Ryan that morning.

She fiddles with the twig she'd pick up along the path when she speaks, "Castle, I know that I messed up." Kate turns to look at him, and he sees so much honesty written on her face. "I never should have accused you of betraying me, I never should have doubted your motives for working the case, and keeping it from me. I was angry you kept it from me, but I can see your side. I can see why you did it."

"Kate-" he tries to interject, but instead she talks, pleads for him to listen.

"Castle, please let me get this out…" He nods for her to continue.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, for what I said, for just leaving you like that and not even listening to what you had to say-for assuming the worst. I know you better than that." Her eyes are downcast and he can sense she's ashamed, but really so is he.

"Please, forgive me for hurting you." Her eyes are misty now and they shine brighter as rays of sunlight illuminate them.

"Beckett-" he sucks in a breath as he mentally goes over what he wants to say, trying not to let the hope that is increasing in his heart run away with him completely. They can't just shove this under a rug like they have with so many things in the past.

"I'm sorry too. I realize now that I shouldn't have kept things from you even though I was afraid of what you would do. I never should have hidden the call I got, we should have gone at it as partners."

He watches her chew on her lip as she listens to him, he's never been able to look away when she does that.

"In all honesty?" He asks with the rise of his eyebrows and her nod opens the way for him to continue. "You did hurt me, Kate. I thought we had come so far. I thought...I guess I need to know, to really know for sure-" the thought absorbs him for a moment, the fact that this is the make it or break it moment for them.

They both need clarity so they can move forward, either together or on their own because there is only one chance to come back from where they are now.

"Why did you lie to me about the shooting and what you remembered? Why did you pretend you didn't hear me tell you… how I felt?"

She stands pacing in the small space in front of him, wringing her hands together. "I've thought a lot about that. I know I tend to give off the impression that I'm always strong, and that I know the answers, that I can handle anything. There was so much happening in my mind, the shooting, Montgomery but, I don't want to give you excuses because I see things so differently now." She pauses, stops in front of him.

"The best answer that I have, the _truest_ answer that I have is that I was afraid."

When she doesn't immediately continue he asks, "What were you afraid of..." His eyebrows raise, " _Me_?"

She sighs, "Yes and no. I was afraid that I would lose you, afraid that I would hurt you and mess things up. But I guess I managed to do that anyway," she huffs.

"Afraid to lose me because you still wanted me as your partner but... didn't feel the same?" He asks in a lowered breath, his eyes dropping to roam the field ahead as his worst fears feel like they are coming true. This is the end.

She's quick to come to his side though and surprises him as she reverently reaches out for his hand. All it takes is that touch from her to make his breath quicken.

"No, not because I don't feel the same. Rick," she implores as she seeks his eyes. He feels the connection as they meet, his sky blue to her natural green. "I'm long overdue in telling you this, and I hope I that I'm not too late now. I was also afraid of letting you in."

His mind is reeling as he listens, hopes and yearns for her to say what he so deeply desires to hear.

"I was afraid, because what I want with you... I've never had. The way I feel about you, I've never felt before."

The pounding of his heart is loud in his ears now, drowning out everything around them, everything that isn't just him and her. He's certain that the reason she just tightened her grasp on his hand was to stop hers from trembling.

"Castle, I love you," she says, her voice certain. "I love you so much and I messed up, but all I want is you. Just you," she implores as he watches a tear finally come free and glide down her gorgeous face.

He is silent as he watches the wind flutter through her hair, a range of emotions and thoughts flood through him. He's shocked, shocked but overjoyed, and _is this really happening_?

His smile is impossible to repress and it pulls him out of his momentary mental shock and brings him back to her. He takes his hand from the tangle of hers only to raise it to her cheek, to shift his body a little closer where they sit open to each other.

"Kate, this is real? Say it again. Please say it again."

She's smiling now too and she's never been more stunning. She looks into his eyes and he feels it in his heart, in his soul when she says it again expelling any last doubt that may have remained.

"I love you, Rick. I love you. I lov-" he cuts her off then with his lips ardently pressed against hers. He draws her nearer as he slips his hand back into her hair, cradles her head gently in his palm. She moans when he sucks her lip into his mouth and he's coming undone so quickly.

It's nothing like last time, he knows this because the memory of their alley kiss has replayed in his mind thousands of times. This is deep, emotional, this reaching what he's yearned after for so long, this is real and beyond lust, beyond his wildest dreams.

He pulls back just all little, bringing their foreheads together in an attempt to stop time in this perfect intimate moment. He wants to save it, to write the scene so he will always have this memory kept in a special place in his heart.

She steals another quick kiss, "Does this mean I'm not too late?"

A chuckle leaves his throat at that, "No, not too late. Never too late for you," he reassures her because even though late was painful, it's better than never, so much better than never.

This time she frames his face with her delicate fingers, hands on each side caressing his cheeks as she leans back in to sip from his mouth. His good hand finds her small waist, expands out to touch as much of her as he can and oh, how he wishes he had both hands to be able to do this now.

She's welcomed him in, her tongue dancing with his, reaching and exploring each other. He hears himself moan this time as she bites down on his bottom lip in delicious juxtaposition to the way she soothes him with her tongue afterward.

She's sweet and sexy, welcoming and exotic all at the same time and all they are doing now is kissing. If he thought that she was a mystery before, he's realizing that she's one he may never solve, one he will spend his life happily working on.

Somehow his hand has gravitated under her shirt and the softness and warmth of her skin mixed with what she is doing to his mouth are too much for where they are as he finds it hard to control where all his blood is flowing.

"Kate," he mumbles into her mouth.

"Hhmm?" She gets out even as their lips stay connected.

He smiles into the kiss as he slows her and pulls back.

"Hey," he shines at her.

"Hi," she says, her lips pink and kiss-swollen and looking so delicious.

"Maybe we should slow down a little…at least while we are still out in public."

She drops her head forward onto his shoulder. "I suppose you're right," she breathes her voice laced with amusement and maybe a bit of shyness.

He takes her hand back into his, making sure their fingers are linked together. "Why don't we walk back, talk a little more. Maybe we could take the hot tube for a spin. It'll be dark soon. We can start a fire…"

At that, she lifts her head, smirks at him.

"I didn't- I didn't mean _that_ kind of a fire, but maybe that kind too..." he smiles.

She just shakes her head as she playfully pokes his side for that one.

"Sounds perfect," she replies standing and pulling him up alongside her and starting back along the trail to the house side by side.


End file.
